Life...

The day my son was born was a day I will never forget.  The love that I had for him while growing inside me was incredible, until he was placed on my stomach and I heard that first cry.  I will never forget the feeling of my heart exploding with love inside my chest.  No one can experience the love of a mother until you have your child placed in your arms.  That first night I was exhausted and fasinasted all at the same time.  Chad was there as the Proud Papa and I remember holding this small, beautiful being and thanking God for this wonderful gift.  Then came the time to go to sleep... I remember laying there while both child and daddy slept.  I remember a feeling of fear come over me so deep that I couldn't sleep.  I didn't sleep for the whole time I was in the hospital unless someone else was awake watching or holding my babies.  That was the only time I slept, because the fear was too strong of losing my babies.  I think I watched one too many Lifetime movies where people came in the hospital and stole your baby.  I remember watching the story about Adam when I was younger and ever since then, it is has lived with me.  I have had a fear since day one of someone taking my babies and it lives with me everyday.  I can't imagine a house where my children aren't right across the hallway and I know where they are all the time.  It has gotten a little better over the years, but I still don't let them go far without me watching them.  I try to tell my VERY friendly children that there are people out there that aren't nice to little kids.  Without trying to instill my fear in them, I try to make them aware. 

Where is this coming from, you ask?  I finally watching the Jaycee Dugard story with Diane Sawyer and I just cried through the whole show.  Not just a few tears, but deep, can't control your breath sobbing.  Then I sat there afterwards in a state of shock for knowing what this innocent little girl went through for 18 years, and I cried more.  I just cannot imagine.  Then I thought of her mother who lost 18 years with her daughter and can never get that back.  How can you forgive a person for that?  She still has so much hate in her heart, which I can totally understand!  Then here is Jaycee... she is a very positive, caring person with no hate at all towards the people that hurt her for so many years.  "It is what it is," her words... Amazing!!!

The way the mother cared and loved for her daughter never wavered, only got stronger... no words can ever explain a mother's love.

Jaycee's story has left such an impact on my life because I remember when I was younger the story of her missing, but to finally have some closure on the whole thing is amazing, not for me, but for the mother and Jaycee.  I can't imagine, as a mother, to live with the fact of not knowing what or where your child is for so long is just unimaginable.  Jaycee turned out to be a very beautiful young lady and seems like someone I could call a friend.  I will pray for her tonight and her family, and thank God that he reunited her with her family.  What a miracle!  I am so happy for her to have her life back again and that the state helped her financially (but money can never give back her life as a child) and she has her mom back.

We take so much for granted every day.  We take our kids for granted, our lives for granted, our health, the money in our bank account or lack there of, we want bigger homes, more friends, more this and more that.... in the end, none of that really matters.  What matters is that you have love in your heart and to thank God for all the blessings in your life, even when it seems like there aren't any blessing there to see.  I don't care about having the biggest or best new thing out there.  I don't care what people think of me.  The only thing I want to make sure of is that both Will and Ava know that I love them with all my heart and I will give my life for them to live happily and healthy for a long, long time.  I want my husband to know how much he is my world and I can't imagine a day without them in it. 

I know I complain about not having enough, or big enough, or whatever... I need to get back to reality and the things that really matter, my beautiful and perfect family.  (It may not look perfect to you, but to me it is totally perfect and wonderful!)

This is a sappy blog, but sitting here still with tears running down my face and emotions running strong, and the thought of little Brody fighting for his life tonight... I just want to hug and kiss my babies extra tight and thank God for what I have right now... because we are not guaranteed tomorrow.  I just hope and pray that God blesses us with tomorrow and our health and love in our hearts and lives.